How to Plan a Wedding By Text

My phone holds a long series of text messages between Alisa and me. They go back to the first of April.  Reading through some of them, you can almost see wedding plans evolving between the lines.. I will leave it to the imagination to determine who is saying what and why.

37 bucks on etsy.
Could you wear it lower?
That's a good deal.

I like the trim.
No trim.
Trim isn't flowy.


My stomach is killing me.
I guess I need to get Obama cares.

Maybe you are constipated.
Maybe I should fast.
Erwann keeps saying fasting cures cancer.

Which red?
Send me a picture of Audrey holding them up to her face. One at a time.


Figured out the wedding processional!
Make sure I have enough time to get down the aisle in my long flowing dress.

Should the invitations say something about food?
Drinks and appetizers?

Say light dinner.

Erwann says light dinner sounds like we are putting people on a diet.

What happened to cold meat?

Should we put burgers on the invitation?

We can even throw in a few vegan burgers for your weird friends.

I don't have any vegan friends Oh, wait...


I'm starting to think I might not want a veil.
Just some flowers or something?

A floppy hat!

Erwann is 100% vetoing this picture.

I think it's cute.

Yeah, but he threw a fit.

UGH I just called the airlines to see if I can have my wedding dress as a carry on and its fine, if there is room. otherwise I have to check it. And there is "no possible way to plan ahead"

There will be room. I can feel it.

I DO NOT TRUST THE AIRLINE TO CHECK IT. NO WAY.
 Or I can purchase an extra seat.

You could mail it.

THAT'S EVEN SCARIER.

Anyway, I have a plan. I am going to get up early the day of the wedding and go raid my neighbors
flower gardens.


How about a jar of rocks that people sign?
I don't want a jar of rocks in my house.

Got my makeup done at ulta today.

Your eyes look gorgeous.

That's what we were going for.

What all of this nonsense boils down to is this-

The dress is ready.

 She has yet to decided on a veil

 She went to the makeup counter and got a tutorial on how to do her own makeup, which I think is brilliant, Teach a man to fish and all that.

 We are debating on how creative to be with the guest book. She wants a traditional book that guests sign. I am telling her that the book will get  shoved in a box somewhere and never looked at again. I am voting for a globe that everybody can sign near where they came from. Erwann apparently wants a map.

She has no faith in airlines or the postal service.

There was endless debate on the food. We finally settled on a barbecue. We are in the mountains after all, and there is a large barbecue smack dab in the middle of the patio where the wedding will be. Seems kinda obvious, doesn't it? Still, it was a long and winding road to get to the conclusion of the food question.

 I am considering stealing from my neighbors as a viable way to procure flowers for the wedding. Well, not exactly from my neighbors. Just from people I don't know that have lovely flower gardens and live relatively close to me.

There are loads of cute pictures of the bride and groom in their younger years. There is no consensus on what is cute and what is not.

Getting just the right shade of burgundy is a challenge.

Mother of the bride dresses are all ugly.

Lingering questions-

Is it tacky to ask some of our local yokels to show up to the wedding with a pasta or potato salad in hand?  I really want some kind of starchy American salad to go along with our barbecue.. I just don't want to have to make it. And store bought stuff like that is disgusting.

Who is going to barbecue all those hamburgers?

How do you start a wedding ceremony?

Lemonade or water?

To boutonniere or not to boutonniere?

How do you spell boutonniere?

Isn't that a French word?

Anyone?