Goodbye July

July was always my favorite month.  I always hated  to see July end because it felt like the end of summer.  But not this year.  This year, I say July 2013, good riddance to you.   Other than an absolutely perfect two weeks of vacation in June, summer has been pretty much a bust this year for us, and July just went from bad to nightmarishly awful. Of course, with the string of misfortune we are on, July could be only the beginning.  Maybe by the end of August, I'll be looking back on July as the good old days.  Heaven help us all. 

So I decided that if I was going to be depressed, I might as well be the kind of depressed where you stop eating, and then maybe I would at least drop a few pounds and maybe that would cheer me up a bit.  Sad to say,  I lasted less than a day at the not eating kind of depression.   I am much, much better at being depressed when I am stuffing my face. Yesterday alone, I put away about a half gallon of rocky road ice cream, several rows of double stuffed oreos, a couple of ice cream sandwiches,  and three chocolate chip cookies.  Today, at work a drug rep brought in a box of donuts and me and a co-worker had a fantastic afternoon, polishing those babies off one nibble at a time.  And now, here I sit with my insomnia at midnight, and cursing myself because there is not one thing worth eating in this house.  Because I already ate it all. I am sorely tempted to go hit an all night drivethru somewhere, but on top of everything else, I am broke.

Is that a sad enough story?

I could make it worse, but I'll withhold the really terrible parts for my visiting teachers. Maybe they'll send chocolate.

THESE however,

are zinnias.  And they have made me happy all month long, and didn't cost me a single calorie.  In fact, I burned calories keeping the weeds out.   I wish the pictures did them justice.  I planted them from seeds last spring, and they have been the one really summery-feeling thing we have had around here.  The only reason I am sad to see July go is because it means the flowers will be fading soon too, as well as our lovely nights and mornings of porch sittings.

August is shaping up to be as thrilling as July. Dan is scheduled for disc surgery on August 1.  He is going to have some of the discs in his neck fused together.  Doesn't that sound fun?  I can hardly wait.  He can hardly wait to have his arm back to somewhat near normal, (hopefully) although he might need more surgery on his elbow.  Time will only tell.

Maybe by the time the zinnias die out, I'll have something else to be a bright spot.  Well, of course I will, because Alisa will be coming home in August.  And I still need to write about Mitch's homecoming from Fort Knox, and all the success he had there. There's good stuff happening.  I just need to remember to look for it.

ReDress

Finally got around to snapping the pictures of Olivia that I wanted to take on her baptism day, but which I never got around to because it was such a crazy day.   Such a pretty girl, I couldn't pick just one, although there is one here that I think looks most like her personality.

You would never guess that in most of these pictures she was gritting her teeth and asking me if we were done yet.   I kept telling her she will be glad one day  that I took some pictures of her.  And hey, at least she isn't in to the face-pulling phase yet, like some OTHER daughters I know.

Let Me Off This Ride

Today is July 18, and it marks an anniversary that we were so sure we would never see. 

Today marks seven months of unemployment for Dan.

Yep. He is unemployed. Again.

The job he got?  The job he started Monday?  It's over.  He was let go after two days.  I don't want to explain the reasons why.  I don't understand why, really.  But it's gone and it isn't coming back.

Three weeks ago, we were so happy.  He had just gotten a job offer, and we happily thought
 that life was going to be good to us, that things might be normal again.  Boy were we stupid.

I know people mean well, but  I'm tired of hearing things like, "everything happens for a reason" or  "God has something better in store for you".  How do they know what God has in store for me?  I have faith in what God has IN STORE for me in the long term sense, but I don't believe that God has guaranteed any of us a good job, or anything other blessing in life..  I think he wants us to learn to believe and obey in all circumstances, even when we don't get what we want.  And I think he cares very much  about HOW I respond to what happens to me, and honestly, I am not responding well right now.  I'm tired.  Mad, discouraged, hopeless, scared.   I thought we were going to have a chance to move on.  And now it feels like we are stuck forever in this abysmal rut.

And ironically, the only way out is to stay positive. And to find hope again.  And to count our blessings.   Boy, life sure does suck sometimes.

A Peek Inside His Head

Today I took Duncan in to a new doctor for some psychological testing that SSI is making us do.  Because he is now 18 and a legal adult,  he has to answer the questions all by himself.  The doctor told me I was welcome to sit in the room and watch, but that I could not answer any of the questions, or even help Duncan to answer the questions.  Well, this oughta be good, I thought to myself as I obediently took my seat in the fake leather chair in the corner.

I was not disappointed.


First question:  So Duncan, what disabilities do you have that you feel qualify you for SSI income?

Duncan: (looks at me in desperation, then takes a very long pause) Well, uh, I'm not very good at soccer....

And later:

Dr:  Do you ever feel you have special powers that other people don't have?

Duncan: Oh yes.

Dr: What kind of special powers do you have?

Duncan: Sometimes I am very afraid when I am home alone that someone will try to break in to my house.

Dr: That is your power?

Duncan: Yes.

Dr: Who would try to break into your house? Someone specific or just in general?

Duncan:  I'm not really sure. 

At another part of the test, the doctor would read two words, and Duncan would have to explain how the two words were alike.  The first two words were two and seven.

Duncan:  Uh, well, if you take two away from seven you get five.

And then a little later,  he surprised both me and the doctor with his next answer.

The two words were denial and acceptance.  How are those two words alike?

Duncan, without hesitating:  They are both choices.

Wow. That's deep, man. Really deep.


What did not surprise me:

Duncan is really good at adding and subtracting numbers in his head and he does not know who wrote Hamlet.

What did surprise me:

He knows what the equator is and he knows who Martin Luther King Jr. is.

I should have known better than to be surprised by what he knows.  Don't let him fool you. There is more to him than meets the eye.

Perhaps my favorite part of the interview though, was at the end when I finally got my chance to fill in the gaps in his medical history.  The psychologist looked at the list of medications Duncan takes, which are two anti-depressants and one for anxiety, and then he asks me,

Does his doctor believe he is depressed and anxious?

Well, by golly, my guess would be that yes indeedee she DOES believe he is depressed and anxious, since SHE WAS THE ONE THAT PRESCRIBED THOSE MEDS, YOU DOLT!!

His next question was even better:

Is his doctor comfortable with the diagnosis of high functioning autism?

What?

I don't recall that she and I ever had a discussion about her level of comfort with his diagnosis, but I think it is safe to assume that she is plenty comfortable with it, since SHE is the one that made the diagnosis.

Crazy psychologist anyway.



 

Anchors

Well, Dan made it to the first day on his new job, and survived.  It's an adjustment, for sure, to go from kicking around the house with nothing to do all day to getting back into the full time work mode, and it's an even harder adjustment when you are not feeling at the top of  your game.  His darn back/neck/arm issues are just not cooperating with our plans. Time will tell if he survives tomorrow, and time will tell how well new this gig is going to work out.  I believe we are still in crisis mode, wondering if we are only passing through the eye of the storm, if maybe the worst is still ahead of us.  I sure hope not.  I sure hope we are in for some clear sailing in the near future.

When I look back at the past seven months though, I realize I have no excuses for feeling anything but blessed.  In the past seven months, I have:

-been handed $1000 cash by a stranger so that we could go buy a new dryer when our old one broke.

-been handed a barely used over the stove microwave by an acquaintance of Dan's, that just happened to be a perfect fit for our microwave spot, and a perfect replacement for our old one that was on the verge of dying and that smelled bad every time we used it.

-started out every week at work scheduled to work 24 hours, and somehow ending up every week having worked 40 hours.  Every single week, without fail, someone would call me to cover a shift at the last minute, or my favorite pharmacist in Logan  would call and see if I wanted to work some extra hours up there.  It got to be quite entertaining for me, to just sit back and wait to see who would call, and where my hours were going to come from for that week.

-opened up all the utility bills in the middle of one particularly tight month, with no idea where I was going to get the money to pay them all, only to find out that ALL of our utilities had either zero balances or credit balances that month.  I don't know why.  It didn't show any extra payments being made.  It's like we just didn't run up any charges that month. Weirdest thing ever.

-come through seven months of unemployment with all of our bills current.  Believe me when I say that with our budgeting skills, that feat is not possible.   Most months, I just tried not to look too closely at what we were bringing in versus what we were spending.  But on the days when I would shake the sand out of my ears and force myself to do some banking, the money for the house payment was always there.  Always almost exactly enough to make the  house payment.

We always had almost exactly enough for what we needed, and never any more. I do not doubt that divine intervention was at work there.  Miracles like what we have seen will never replace faith, but for me, they are like anchors in a storm. I don't know why we have so far been spared some of the harder consequences of financial upheaval, and I don't know that we will continue to be spared.   Some people I know have been hit so much worse.  But I'm grateful for what has been.   And hopeful that I won't ever forget the source of my true security.

All the News

I am going to stop asking myself if this year can get any more eventful. We have had enough of eventful this year.  Can we please get back to boring? Please?  There are some great things happening along with all the yuck though, so I guess I should stop complaining.  Glass half full, glass half full, glass half full.

After two solid weeks of being completely out of commission with back problems, it looks as though Dan will be well enough on Monday morning to start his new job.  His back has been bothering him for quite a while now, and it really started acting up while I was in Illinois, to the point that he had to go to the ER on a Saturday night, where they diagnosed him with bulging discs. We have been messing around with pain meds,  doctors appointments, more ER visits,  and sleepless nights ever since.  He has finally been seeing some improvement in the last couple of days, and we are crossing our fingers that he will keep getting better.   He NEEDS to start that job on Monday morning, for the sake of all our sanity.  Plus we went shopping today and bought him a bunch of new work clothes, so he better make it work one way or another.

Mitch has been in Kentucky since the 24th of June, training for ROTC.  He has been stuck with shin splints, and for a few days there, he thought about throwing in the towel and coming home. Now it looks like he is going to see it through to the end though, and he will graduate from training on July 23 and fly home that same day.  I sure would love to be able to fly out and see him graduate, but it doesn't look like  there is any possibility of that happening, what with work schedules and new jobs and scarce money.  We are sure proud of him though, and are planning a big old party when he gets back.

Alisa also has made plans to fly on home.  She and Erwann will be coming back to the U.S. the 22nd of August.  The really great news is that Erwann has an internship waiting for him in Irvine, CA, so they will be staying stateside for the next while.  Looks like their plans are all coming together.

Audrey got back from girl's camp today, tired and un-sunburned for once.  It has been a rainy week.  It has been a rainy July.  Weird. It never rains in Utah in July.  It better not rain on my birthday.  Oh wait, I forgot.  I decided not to have any more birthdays.  Scratch that. Next up on the agenda is youth conference, the first week of August, I think. Summer needs to slow down.  I feel like it hasn't started yet, and it is already almost over.

Olivia made the momentous decision this morning to cut off her long hair.  I didn't want her to, but it is her hair, so off we went to the salon.  It does look adorable on her, and she got a free haircut because she had ten inches to donate to Locks of Love, so bonus there!




And other than the grand announcement that I cleaned out the fridge today, that is just about all the news that's fit to print around here.

Angels and Demons

Have I mentioned on here yet  that on our recent cross-country odyssey,  Audrey and Olivia were absolute angels on the drive?  They spent  54 hours together in the back seat, sitting side by side across the long flat expanses of Iowa, Nebraska and Wyoming, TWICE,  without a single bicker or complaint.  Not one problem.  Not one whine about space issues or breathing on each other or fighting about windows or emergency potty stops.   They were perfect.  We could not have asked for them to be any better behaved than they were.  So how is it that those same two kids, sitting in much roomier and more comfortable separate bucket seats, cannot make the 25 minute drive from Salt Lake to Layton without pitching a very long, very loud, screaming, crying, moaning, FIT over whether one of them slobbered on the other one on purpose or on accident, and whether or not said slobberer actually apologized in a genuine enough manner, and if the slobberee showed adequate acceptance of the supposed apology?

First off, how does one child slobber on another one from across the divide that separates bucket seats in a mini van?  It's not like they were sitting on top of each other.  And secondly, why does it have to go on and ON and ON, to the point of insanity?

Makes me realize what a miracle our little trip was.  We must have had a guardian angel along for the ride.  Seriously, what are the chances of a thirteen year old and an eight year old getting along so well for so long on such a long trip in such a small space?

Fortunately, our ride tonight was a short one, we survived, and the slobbering incident has been all but forgotten, at least until the next car ride.

  It probably helped that all I could do was laugh at them, and I didn't add to the angst by throwing myself into the middle of it.  Maybe I should try that strategy more often.

William

You know who has been MIA on this blog for far too long?

Poor old Will, that's who.


So, just because I love him, here are some of the highlights of late from the life of my littlest boy.

My littlest boy is now on the very edge of being taller than his father.  Dan is not yet ready to concede, but probably by tomorrow morning, he will have no choice but to admit that he finally has a son who has conquered him in height.

Will went with me to the Mummies exhibit in Salt Lake.  I wanted to go so bad, but tickets were pricey and I couldn't afford to take everybody.  So I picked Will because I knew he would be the least likely of all my kids to get bored.  And we had a great time, both of us overwhelmed by the skills and artistic talents  of people who lived thousands and thousands of years ago. 

Even though nobody made much of it, Will "graduated" from junior high this year.  There was no recognition from the school, but nevertheless, he is off to high school.  Crazy.

He is no hurry to get his learner's permit.

He wants a job.  That's good, because he is going to need one to pay those high insurance bills, if he ever starts driving.

He is funny.  So funny.  In an off the wall, make-you-think kind of way.  He wants to be an animator, and I'm thinking political cartoonist might be in his future.  He is a creative artist, and comes up with some wildly original ideas that always make me laugh and think.

He is thoughtful, especially when he thinks nobody is looking.  I predicted the other day that he will someday be a wealthy bishop with seven kids.  I'm not sure that he liked my prediction very much, but I meant it only as a compliment.  He is made of good stuff, a man among already.

He has been a trooper through the rough times lately.  He doesn't complain, he is mostly cheerful and tries to cheer everybody else up too, especially me. He always has a joke and a smile.

And, I will even forgive him for wanting to go to BYU.  He says it's only because they have a good art program, so I guess I can live with that.

I love that kid.  I really do. 

Feasts and Famines

Well, this is SO yesterday's news, but since nothing in my life is official until it gets put on my blog, here is my big announcement:

DAN GOT A JOB!!!!

Whew, that is so scary to put out there. I'm still feeling like if I talk about it out loud, I am going to jinx it.  His official start date is July 15, and the wheels of my mind are whirling with all kinds of worst-case scenarios of everything that could go wrong between now and then.  I credit my mother for that tendency, and I am proud to announce that I have passed it on in full force to Olivia, who almost didn't go to Chicago with us over fear of what would happen to us if the car broke down in the middle of nowhere, if we ran out of gas, if the wheels fell off, if we got on the wrong road.  Yep, she's my daughter for sure. 

The offer came in while I was out of town.  I was actually in the visitor's center at Carthage Jail when Dan texted me to let me know that he had officially been offered the job. Not where I pictured I would be when we finally got good news, but I will never think of Carthage, IL in the same way again.

And to prove that when it rains it really does pour, also while I was on vacation, and before Dan got the job, my boss called to offer me regular, full time hours at my job, with full benefits.  I've been working close to 40 hours a week for a long time, but they were always pieced together here and there, and I wasn't budgeted for full time, which means I only got part time benefits.   It also gave me the flexibility of NOT working so many hours if I didn't want to.  Being officially full time means I'm committed  to consistently work full time. Of course I jumped on the chance, since my husband was still unemployed.  Then suddenly two days later, he isn't unemployed anymore, which means that me working full time is no longer as necessary or attractive as it was when it was offered to me. 

 

It's still attractive enough though.  Me working full time for a while will mean getting us back on track financially  that much faster and maybe even FINALLY getting some carpet in that darn basement.  Our fortunes are looking up a little for the first time in a long time. 

The flip side?  Both of us working full time puts a HUGE dent in the time we have to do that other big life commitment we made that is called being parents.   It's the beginning of July.  I have four kids who will spend their summer days staring at tv and computer screens all day long if they are left to their own devices.  I will come home at eight at night and the cereal boxes will still be sitting on the counter from breakfast, the  blinds will all be closed, and every bowl and spoon I own will be dirty and stacked in piles on the coffee table.  July is not a month for sitting indoors watching Power Puff Girl reruns on Netflix and eating frozen burritos. July is for swimming and camping and going to Lagoon. And there is only so much imposition you can place on your neighbors for dragging your kids places in the summer,  especially when you can't reciprocate much.  

Dilemmas dilemmas.  I know the kids will survive.  Working too much sure beats the alternative, for all of us.  I just hate that is so much of one and so little of the other.

Top 80 or so Moments From Our 2013 Big Midwest Adventure

I haven't even gotten to the pictures on my phone yet, but here are just a few (okay a LOT) of the greatest moments of our eleven day girl's adventure to Chicago to visit our family there, and many stops along the way, both planned and unplanned.

Matchy matchy!

My little nephews, all grown up.

Yummy yummy dinner at a great little place in downtown Chicago.  This should look a little familiar to Alisa

Picasso!

And a show downtown at the Cadillac Palace

Chicago Botanic Gardens

Water Taxi! 

and then

Navy Pier!

Milennium Park and the Bean

Josh and Becca

The Featherstone Family Traveling Circus takes over local deli

Josh and James

Saying goodbye after a wonderful week.

Carthage

Mississippi River, along the Great River Road

Grandma and Livvi finding shells

Nauvoo

Along Parley Street, which is the road you walk down to get to the Mississippi where the pioneers crossed on their way out of Navuoo, they have these quotes to read all along the way.  It is called the Trail of Hope.  This was by far my favorite quote.

One of our unplanned stops was at the American Gothic house- the real house that was the model for the painting.  If only we had gone to the Art Institute in Chicago, we could have seen the original.  We just happened to stumble on to this little place, and it was so cool!

A sunset on the prairie, somewhere in Iowa

Olivia called these Toy Story Clouds.  They were so pretty.

North Platte, NE.  Almost home

Our last hotel in Ogallala, NE.  Audrey finally smiled for a picture.

We have the BEST family in the world.  It was such a sweet time to spend with my folks and Mark and Lisa.  The cousins had a blast, too.   They are growing up so fast, and it makes me realize how important it is to get together as often as possible.  Hope we get to see them again real soon.